The Trials of Biblical Heroes Hobbled by Constipation

When Nature Calls but Biblical Greats Can't Answer

A light-hearted TikTok video depicts five famous Biblical figures struggling with constipation. By poking fun at these epic stories of scriptural heroes waylaid by all-too-common digestive issues, humor shines a relatable light on these larger-than-life men of holy writ.

Cain – Condemned to Endlessly Wander Searching for a Toilet

When Jealousy is Followed by Bowel Trouble

As punishment for the first murder – Cain slaying his brother Abel out of intense jealousy – God condemns Cain to walk the earth forever as a vagrant wanderer. The TikTok video jokes that Cain’s epic bout of roaming stems from bathroom troubles, as “no one cane” go number two out in the wilderness!

This Biblical tale forms the foundation for the idea of being “cursed” to restlessly walk the land. But the humor adds a relatable motivation we all understand – Cain desperately searching for somewhere, anywhere, to privately relieve his constrained bowels. When nature calls persistently, not even the strongest spiritual focus can long ignore the indignity of a painfully full colon.

Banishment to Barren Lands Offers No Relief

It’s tragically comedic to picture the first murderer, stewing over killing his sibling in a fit of envy, unable to find a bush or hole to afford him some privacy. Perhaps there is some suiting irony if Cain’s bowels mirrored his backed-up bitterness and rage. But even the angriest among us must periodically yield to nature’s calls – as Cain apparently could not.

Moses – Carving Out Time On Mount Sinai

Two Stone Tablets Ease the Prophet’s Distress

Moses earns fame for delivering God’s Ten Commandments down from the peak of Mount Sinai. But the TikTok joke imagines Moses was motivated by troubles more common than Divine revelation. Specifically, the video claims Moses brought with him “two stone tablets” to cure his mountainside constipation.

It’s cheeky Biblical humor to envision Moses suffering from irregularity and using primitive laxative tablets during his epic 40 days and nights on the mountain. How inconvenient to feel that stomach rumbling when you’ve just scored the biggest PR coup in Jewish history! But duty called Moses in more ways than one on those lonely days of Biblical legend.

Troublesome Diet of Manna and Quail

Moses was likely constipated after years eating manna and quail while leading Israelites through the wilderness. The bland taste of manna and greasy quail meat clogging up the innards hardly sets the stage for happy bowels. While the Bible focuses on Moses’ shining moments, the TikTok video provides the comic backstory of what his poor digestive system endured.

King David – When Royal Status Offers No Relief

Palace Life Causes a Slowdown Below

As Israel’s greatest king, David united the Jewish people, led them to military conquest, and received a covenant from God promising his dynasty would rule forever. But as the TikTok joke points out, even heavenly favor couldn’t cure David’s stubbon constipation.

After decades living in royal finery, David perhaps grew over-accustomed to rich palace foods and soft living. Like his son Solomon after him, the trappings of kingship likely had an unfortunate impact on royal bowels. But at least David continues passing heirs – albeit not the kind a blocked-up bowel desires!

When No Force in Heaven or Earth Can Get You to Go

The Biblical humor visualizes the soaring King David – vanquisher of giants and lions alike – suddenly felled by an ADL flow far too slow. After a lifetime overcoming long odds in battle, David meets his greatest impediment yet in the porcelain throne room. The joke lands because nothing should fell an Old Testament hero like David – except perhaps digestive distress sealing his princely sphincter shut.

Bowel Blockages Afflict Saints and Sinners Alike

Through scatological Biblical humor, legendary prophets become more relatable as ordinary men waylaid by all-too-common woes of the bowel. Just like children giggling over fart jokes, laughing at constipation humanizes even religious icons encrusted with spiritual grandeur. By joking that Moses pinched stone tablets or David strained vainly in the royal loo, these Biblical greats share an earthy ailment we have all endured.

With such universal bathroom troubles, perhaps there is scarce space between sinner and saint after all. As long as we live and eat, no amount of piety makes one immune to nature’s calls from below. Our shared laughs over its indignity serve as profound reminder than we all walk – or squat – on common ground.